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You Will Not Find Hope Here…


   Life is about hardships and how we overcome those difficulties.  It is in our troubled moments we can find hope while we remember the positive occasions of our past.  As a collective we are confined to our homes to wait out the Corvid-19 virus.  Many of us search for signs of normalcy among the chaos of the days we live in, while we hope we do not see the end of days.  It is in these times we return to that which gives us hope.

   I am one that finds solace in music.  If you were to give me a subject, I shall find a song to share with you on said subject.  Music can move us.  It can heal our wounded hearts and souls.  It can lift us out of depths so deep that even daylight can not penetrate.  Nonetheless, you will not find hope here.

   Why must we endure another album from Red Cowboy?

   We first introduced you to Red Cowboy in 2005 when they released their self-entitled debut album.  The album consisted of ten cuts of pure unadulterated crap.  It lacked imagination, vocal talents, melodies and artistic definition.  Since their release, we have been comparing bad albums to this one.  We even use it as well as Red Cowboy as a reference on our album review ratings scale.  Ten years later I received Red Cowboy’s sophomore album called Back In Red.  One would think that a band would get better with time and practice, nonetheless, this group failed.  Back In Red featured ten more songs that made me cringe.  Three years later, the group released their Christmas album A Red Cowboy Christmas.  The holiday album included twelve songs with a bonus song. Christmas music should be enchanting while bringing the magic of the season into our hearts.  Carols should fill our surroundings with love, light and joy.  Listening to this album is like sitting next to a mall Santa Claus, hearing children screaming while they wait in line.  In other words, this album would make even Scrooge spend money not to listen!

   All I have to say about this band is – on what day did God create Red Cowboy and couldn’t he have rested on that day too?

   In the midst of the Corvid-19 virus I was shocked to receive a package from Red Cowboy. Over the years I have heard the band has been quite upset with my reviews, therefore, I believed the package was filled with items that contained the Corvid-19 virus.  With gloves and a facemask on, I proceeded to open the package to reveal their latest album Two Rolls Down: The Gospel Album.  After scrubbing each item with bleach, I waited fourteen days before I decided to listen to the album.  Let me put it this way, fourteen days was not enough!

   First and foremost, I do not know why they called it a Gospel album when only half of the songs are Gospel!  Nearly every entertainer who has gained success in Country Music has recorded a Gospel album.  Majority of the Gospel albums can be considered money making schemes, especially when an entertainer proceeds to record more than one religious based album. In my twenty-seven year career, I have heard some of the most incredible renditions of the timeless classics. Nonetheless, you will not find any of the hymns on this album fathomable.  

   “We are Catholic…We must record God Album.” states Red Cowboy’s lead vocalist Daniil.  “We sing during mass and we honor God with album.”

   The first six songs on the album are Gospel songs.  The album opens with “In The Garden,”  I truly thought this was the classic song many of us grew up with.  I was horrified when I heard the first few notes of Iron Butterfly’s “In A Gadda Da Vida.”  The band took the melody, re-wrote the lyric to speak about the garden of Eden.  Didn’t Bart Simpson do this same thing? Horrified, I believe that Homer Simpson’s girlish scream sounds better than this!

   The album continues with “Amazing Grace.”  One of the best versions of this timeless classic was performed by George Jones.  What kind of wine was Red Cowboy drinking when they took this song and performed it in a mix of country and country rap?

    The album also includes the band’s rendition of “Jesus Loves Me.”  Whatever you do, do not let your children hear this version.  It is so horrendous that listening to their version would make you turn atheist!  This version should be classified as corporal punishment or abuse!  After listening to this song, I had a vision of Jesus sitting on the throne with his hand over his face while shaking his head and saying “I died for this!”

   I will admit, I am not much for Gospel music.  The reason is because, like Christmas music, Gospel music has been overly recorded that it has lost its powerful message.  However, when I hear the song “How Great Thou Art,” my soul is renewed.  I am unable to listen to this song ever again, because Red Cowboy has destroyed it for me.  Personally I would like to ask whoever was in the recording studio at the time they recorded their version to ask them how they could even consider releasing such an appalling, frightful rendition?  Was the engineer deaf?  Words cannot describe the atrocity.  The only thing I can say is that God left the building when Red Cowboy started singing this timeless classic.

   I was so appalled by the adaptations of these songs that I could not bring myself to listen to their version of “Precious Memories.”  I did not want to face the trauma of not being able to listen to such a sweet song without hearing their caterwauling.  The final Gospel song on this album is “Jesus Must Have Been Drunk.”  I have no idea what this song is about.  The first stanza consists of great lyric that speak about a drunkard who stumbles through life.  The song continues with the chorus which the theme reiterates the title.  The second, third and fourth verses speak about having a party and being drunk is a good thing.  The song ends with “…if the blood of Christ is wine, then Jesus must have been drunk all the time.”  I am still shaking my head in bewilderment.

   It is here that the album takes a dramatic turn.  Red Cowboy includes four songs from their previous two albums as if this was a Greatest Hits album. What makes it such a discombobulation is their choice of songs.  They chose to include four of their most horrendous tunes including “Ten Rubles For A Shot,” “Love In Red Square,” “The Ballad of Red Cowboy,” and their explicit song “Three Kisses.” Why would you include an explicit song on a Gospel album?  Hello – Is anyone awake over there at AF Records?

   When it comes to Red Cowboy, the album is not over until you hear the last screech.  There is more.  Why?  Why are there more songs?

   The album closes with three new songs.  The first, “Vodka And The Captain,” is your typical theme song for Red Cowboy. One would think that the title of this song could result in creating a really good song.  But then again, it is Red Cowboy.  My first thoughts were the song was about mixing vodka with rum, however, I was wrong.  This song is about doing shots of vodka with the captain of a ship, no less a cruise ship.

   “We spent two years on high seas performing on cruise ship.” shares Ivan.  “It is great…how do you say? Gig?  I write song about tour.”

   After considerable research to see what cruise line would hire this band, I found out an entertainer friend had opened for them.  I reached out to that friend to get their assessment on Red Cowboy.  The entertainer told me that they would give me a quote as long as they can remain anonymous.

   “When I first heard about opening for Red Cowboy, I was ecstatic.  I thought here was my chance to share my music with a newer audience.” replied Anonymous.  “I performed my forty minute show and then left the stage.  I hung around backstage to see Red Cowboy.  I love to show my support for new artists, but was I in for a humdinger!  In my fifty plus year career, I have never heard such ghastly bunch!  During one point in their show, I looked over at the soundboard to see if anyone was manning it.  Up to my surprise there was!  Let me explain it to you like this – no amount of Auto-tune to fix that band!”

   So why is it that the industry is still fixated on Red Cowboy being so talented when they are clearly not?

   Believe it or not, this project continues with “Sequestered In America.” This is a song of the times we are currently living in. Now this would have been a half way decent song if not for the chorus.  The band abducts the melody in the chorus of James Brown’s ever popular hit song “Living In America.”  Again, I must ask – is anyone at the record label listening?  Do record labels have a quality control where every album must go through before releasing?

   The album finally ends with the title cut.  Now one would think this would be a great song. Nope!  This is a spoof of Dolly Parton’s song “Two Doors Down.”

   “It not a…spoof?  What is spoof?” asked Ivan. “I hear melody in head.  I write melody.  I write words.  I put words to melody to create good song, no?”

   Change a few words and let Ray Stevens record it and it may become a great song.

   Much like their previous albums, this album is a compound of pure unadulterated crap.  They continue to lack the skills to create, perform, and bring forth the music that will inspire us and give us hope.  Their music is pirated and so manufactured; that it is purely constipated.  Perhaps that is why they feature two toilet rolls on the cover.

   “We give roll of toilet paper to anyone who buys album.” shares Ivan.

   “Ivan…we find no toilet paper.” interrupts Nash.

   “What?! Fine, we send one sheet and only one sheet with each album.” continues Ivan.

   No amount of toilet paper will help you wipe this album from your mind!  I only wish that the fans weren’t so full of it to follow this band.  Click here to purchase this album from April Fools Records.


 © Strictly Country Magazine, April 1, 2020.

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